How to deal: parenting advice

How to deal: parenting advice

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One of most interesting things I’ve encountered through becoming a parent is the amount of opinions, advice and judgement that’s provided to ‘help’ bring up Bub. This spans all aspects of baby raising ranging from how to feed them, how they ‘should’ be sleeping, how much clothing to dress them in (my personal favourite), what I ‘should’ do in different situations and what they’re ‘supposed’ to be able to do at different ages. Most of this advice is usually offered without us asking for it or seeking it.

I’m sure I’m not the only one so here are my tips on how to deal:

1. I try to keep a positive mindset and think: what is the true intention of this advice? Usually, it’s because the person genuinely cares about Bub or me and is trying to help us. So for example, recently I found out my mother in law had been using a bit of hair growth shampoo on Bub as he doesn’t have much hair yet. Initially, I felt a lot of concern because I don’t want him exposed to unnecessary ‘chemicals’, but I dug deeper and thought ok why? And it’s because she loves him and wants to make sure his hair is growing ok. The intention is pure and sweet. And by thinking like this, it helps with your reaction. So rather than respond angrily I was able to be more diplomatic. Unless you know some pretty horrible people, most people have very good intentions when passing on their baby advice – by thinking from their perspective, it should help the situation.

2. Listen to the advice: it might actually be valuable! Being new to the parenting gig, I’ve found if I actually listen and take in the advice, sometimes it’s actually pretty good. Sometimes I think we need to put our egos aside and try to take on feedback or even aspects of the advice to help improve our parenting experience. Think of it like being handed a bowl of fruit, you don’t’ have to eat it all, just what you like.

3.  Take it in and let it go: I generally find things run smoothly if I listen to what the person has to say and respond with a thanks or I’ll have a think etc. I don’t think it’s worth showing annoyance or getting really worked up. That being said, we’re all human and I’ve definitely cracked it before especially when it comes from people you’re very comfortable with like family haha! You may not be in control of what others say, but you’re in complete control of your reaction and how much you let it get to you. I find meditation extremely helpful if there’s something that really gets to me – it allows me space to think it through, feel the feelings and move forward

4. Gratitude: sometimes it may help to really take a step back and think of 3 things you’re grateful for. For me I’m so grateful for: having my parents and in laws around who are head over heels in love with Bub and willingly help where they can, having a supportive husband who lets me rant and take charge where I want to and most of all so grateful to have the opportunity to be a parent. If you’re ever feeling shitty about something someone has said or done in relation to Bub, this might help you see the bigger picture and work out next steps.

5.  Ultimately, you’re the parent so you do what YOU want and think is right. If you’re fortunate to have others around who can provide advice/help you with Bub, you’ve got to take the good with the bad. At the end of the day, most of our issues are probably first world problems which can be easily solved or we can let go. Your gut/heart/intuition is your best guide. Add in your best intentions and you’ve GOT THIS. Trust yourself and enjoy the ride (at least you’re on it!) 😊

How to: solids

How to: solids

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Just a quick post on solids: passing on the lessons learned from transitioning Bub from breast milk to solids. Sounds simple enough doesn’t it. Reality is, it can be filled with uncertainty- I remember feeling anxious, stressed and had no clue so thought I’d share my thoughts to help you….

When to start on solids

Typically around 4 months is when a baby can start showing signs they’re ready for solids. Some could start a bit earlier and others a bit later. For us, Bub didn’t seem ready until around the 6 month mark. I remember feeling bit worried and putting pressure on myself to get him into solids especially as other babies we knew had started.

I attended a solids session held by the maternal child health service (freebies are great) for some tips. Generally, once Bub has decent neck control, shows signs of interest in the food and can sit in a high chair is when you can start.

What to feed them

We were recommended to try baby rice cereal. Bub did not like it and IMO, it tasted like crap. It’s so funny now that I look back. There’s so much money made from tapping into parent insecurities and offering things like baby food, purée machines etc. I think these things are great from a convenience perspective, but don’t get sucked in to believe that you have to have these things in order to start your baby on solids. Mashing food with a fork is a sufficient substitute and ‘real’ food rather than store bought baby food is preferable.

One thing we were told was not to add salt or sugar. But I got obsessed with making sure the food was plain and ‘healthy’ that I would dread each meal as it was hard to give variety and make it healthy AF.

On a side note: Bub loved banana. But then he got constipation and when he tried to poo, he would strain so hard. I remember getting so worried and called the MCH for advice. The best advice I got was: don’t complicate it, just give them what you’re eating (apart from if there’s a lot of salt or sugar-in these instances take the food out before seasoning and give Bub the unseasoned portion).

That made a world of difference – we couldn’t give Bub everything we ate, but usually could use something so saved us having to separately prepare food for him.

It’s all about balance

For me, I think it gets too hard and unnecessary to prepare Bub’s meals separately and make sure it has no added salt or sugar plus is as healthy as can be.

So long as your meals are relatively healthy, a bit of seasoning was fine for us. Bub seemed to like food more with seasoning than without. Bub didn’t like when it was too healthy either.

Are they eating ok?

I found Bub didn’t take to solids as enthusiastically as I hoped. This caused some stress as I was worried he wasn’t getting adequate nutrition. Around this time, I started weaning him off daytime breastfeeds so wanted to make sure he was getting adequate nutrition. I found though over time, his solids appetite increased gradually.

So overall lessons:

-No rush to get onto solids and when you do, simple whole foods is best.

-Once they start eating more, don’t need to over complicate it- if you generally eat a healthy diet then give Bub what you’re eating (will save you prepping and cooking separate meals)

– Relax: Bub knows what they’re doing. They will eventually eat solids so try not to stress if it’s not planning out like you thought it would.

Mama thoughts on: Circle of security and attachment theory

Mama thoughts on: Circle of security and attachment theory

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I’ve been putting this post off for awhile as I wanted to get more familiar with the topic, but I’m just going to give it a go. Excuse also my lack of posting – we’ve had a continued bout of sickness ranging from various viruses through to gastro (eick).

Anyway, in some of my earlier posts, I’ve referred to the concept of the circle of security. I remember saying that I would write about it so here goes:

I was introduced to this ‘concept’ when I was seeing a psychologist to talk through my postnatal depression issues. I’ll try to break it down as easily and succinctly as possible.

What is it?

Circle of security (you can watch the animation on YouTube) is a concept that children go through a circle (cycle) of needing to go out and explore and then come back in. As parents, we are the hands that let them go off around the circle and welcome them back when they complete their exploration. It applies to anyone really. To put simply: we need to go out to explore and grow and then need a safe base to return home.

If we can help our kids go around the circle, it helps them build secure attachment.

What is secure attachment?

There is ‘attachment’ theory that is premised on the fact that people generally fall into a spectrum of attachment styles depending on how our childhood plays out. So for example, if you had parents who didn’t pay much attention to you and constantly rejected you, then you’re likely to be someone who keeps to themselves (reason being that your emotional needs weren’t met and so you don’t bother reaching out for connection).

Secure attachment is what we all hope to strive for. It’s not a perfect form of attachment, but more ideal as those who are securely attached are quite ‘balanced’.

How can this circle concept go wrong?

An example of a child going around the circle is at the playground. If you take your child there, generally they will want to run off to play and eventually come back.

Secure attachment would be if you encourage your child to go off whilst watching them and when they show signs of wanting to come back around the circle eg come back for a hug or yell out: watch me! and you reciprocate by giving them the hug or saying: good work honey!

Where it can go wrong is if your child wants to go and play, but you may say no don’t or stay very close etc or you show you don’t care and when they hurt themselves or call out for you, you ignore them.

The former scenario allows the child to explore and welcomes them backs. The latter doesn’t allow for the ‘circle’ to be complete.

Why would it go wrong?

Based on attachment theory, we have each grown up in different circumstances and this will mean we likely will lie somewhere along the spectrum of the attachment styles. For example, if you grew up fending for yourself, it’s likely that will effect the way you treat your child: either you become very protective because you don’t want them to experience the same or you could be very blasé about what they do.

So what’s the point of all this?

The good news is that even if as parents, we are not securely attached, we can still provide our children with secure attachment.

What’s even better is that you don’t need to be able to do this all of the time. As long as you try and this happens some of the time, then they’ll be fine. Aka there is no need to be a perfect parent, being a good enough one is even better!

There are books on these concepts so feel free to have a read. I wouldn’t call it a parenting model as such as I see it as a very logical, natural way of parenting.

Also, there are books that talk about how you can deal with your and your partner’s attachment style to improve the relationship. For example, if you have someone who is more clingy with someone who is quite aloof, there are tips such as the aloof partner checking in every now and then during the day with the cling partner etc.

I personally try to adopt secure attachment with my Bub and find it helpful as it helps me relax in my parenting style and feel comfortable that as long as I try, he’ll be fine.

So lessons:

1. There’s no need for perfect parenting, aim for good enough

2. Help your child around the circle of security – you won’t be able to all of the time, but try to some of the time

3. If you don’t agree that’s fine, do what you think is right 🙂

There’s more to life than Bub? My working mama lessons

There’s more to life than Bub? My working mama lessons

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Being a parent is a job in itself. For me, I’ve chosen to go back to full time work and wanted to share my experience, any lessons I’ve picked up to juggle both roles and highlight that it’s a continuing lesson to get it right and achieve your ‘goals’.

I’m the type of person who can’t stay at home, I like working because it makes me feel like I’m doing something for myself and working on me (I guess it’s akin to self-care). So I ended up going back to work after Bub was 9 months. And boy I was pretty ready to go back – I felt like after the 6 month mark, ‘how to parent’ became easier as the lessons gained momentum and I got into more of a rhythm. For me, staying at home all day did my head on and I envied my husband who got to go to work haha!

However, going back had its challenges:

-Initial feelings of worry, guilt and anxiety about leaving Bub in childcare

-People being surprised that I wasn’t taking a full 12 months and going back full time (I got this reaction a lot)

-Having to plan ahead and wean Bub off daytime feeds

-Concern about how I was going to remember how to work

-How would the whole pick up/drop off logistics work

-Would I survive given I was still boobing Bub overnight?

But you just gota go for it and work things through one at a time.

Initially when I went back to work, it felt SO weird – like I was on another planet. I was so used to being a homebody that going back to a professional environment was a bit alien to me. However, I had a supportive team and because I was good at my job before I left (yes sounds like I’m boasting, but this is factually true haha), it came back to me relatively quickly and I hit the ground running.

It was nice to go to work and not have to deal with feeding Bub, stimulating and playing with him, getting him the right amount of naps etc. Was also nice to do adult things and have adult conversations. We are fortunate to have a split care system for Bub: 2 days with grandparents and 3 at childcare so counting our blessings.

In terms of ‘balancing’ life and work, my job was flexible enough so that I’d start early and leave early. Now I’ve started a new job and have had to adjust my hours for now so I get enough face time to learn and become skilled. Once I’m ready, I will consider rejigging work to better suit life.

So there’s a couple of things that I wanted to dig a bit deeper into-these are the main ‘challenges’ I’ve encountered since returning to work:

1. Bub started the immunity building program at childcare – simply put, he keeps getting sick. Flu, cold, gastro etc. Not fun to deal with and usually results in lack of sleep, me or hubby getting sick and Bub not being able to go to childcare. What sucks is that if he doesn’t attend, we still have to pay! Thank goodness for carer’s leave. But the worst is getting barely any proper sleep and having to go to work. I swear, if I ever get to set working policies down the track, I will work out some way to help other parents in this situation – you just feel like shit and all you want to do is sleep.

2. Feeling guilty about working full time: most people I know go back part time and then assess. For me, I adopted the reverse: I’d go back full time and if it wasn’t working for me, change to part time. I think the major reason for this (apart from financially) is that I wanted to ‘lean in’ (adopting advice from Sheryl Sandberg’s book called Lean in). This also prompted me to find a new role with better opportunities. But this doesn’t come without some worry and guilt. Guilt that I should be spending precious time with Bub before he grows up and doesn’t want to hang out with me as much. Am I a bad mum for wanting to develop myself? Nah I don’t think so because if I’m happy then I can be an even better parent.

3. Trying to do it all: I’ve written about the mental load, but wanted to highlight that when I started full time work, I still expected we can clean, cook and do life well. It’s not easy (obviously) and I think you need to be quite organised and push for your partner to do their bit. For me, I’m very organised so it’s not an issue – the biggest issue is trying to take over everything and not giving my partner the space to do it. To be honest, I still direct everything, but that’s just how we work and I like it like that.

4. Feeling torn between wanting to progress my career, but have enough Bub and me time: can you have it all? Some say yes some say no. Given the shift towards more flexible working (although I sometimes feel guilty asking and actioning it), perhaps you can. I’ve read enough about how there is so much untapped potential in working mums-we have so many abilities which translates well into work. So for me, this is a work in progress as I learn to professionally grow and balance that with family life. I think part of the answer lies in being clear about your priorities to your employer, working in a team where they support you and having the courage to practice ‘flexible working’.

So my top tips for working mums:

-As I always say, do what works for you. Sometimes you have to push past the guilt and not talk yourself out of what might really work for you e.g. if you want to work part time, full time or not at all and it’s right for you, then do that

-Take everything one step at a time and be in the moment! If Bub is sick and it feels like they’re never going to get better, remember this too shall pass. Focus on the here and now and hey at least you’ll be grateful for when things go back to ‘normal’

-If possible, map out a good routine with your family and push for it to happen

-If you’re thriving, that means you’re going to be a better version of you and a better parent

-You’re not alone, myself and many others and still working through this!

Good luck! 🙂

How to cope with a sick Bub

How to cope with a sick Bub

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Everyone gets sick. But it’s so hard when it involves Bub. When it first happened and more recently as he’s had a flu that is taking its sweet ass time to heal, it brought my experiences of being sick to a whole other level.

Personally, I’ve found that when Bub gets sick:

1. He gets cranky and won’t eat

2. He clings onto me like there’s no tomorrow

3. All I want to do is get rid of his pain, but I’m so limited in what I can do

4. Lastly, once he’s better, usually you and/or your partner gets sick

So here’s a lowdown on what happened recently and the lessons learned – if this is your first time with your first Bub being sick, hopefully this will give you some realistic hope 🙂

Initially, Bub’s sickness starts with him getting crankier and more clingy than usual. Then comes the fever. Supposedly for babies, anything over 37 degrees Celsius = fever. But fear not, if Bub has a fever, that’s a good sign because it means their immune system is fighting the unwanted guest in their system. When you may need to act is if they are in pain or acting unwell. I’ve had instances where Bub has a fever eg post vaccination or teething and he’s perfectly fine despite a higher body temperature. Usually though, a fever will be accompanied by them being unwell aka runny nose, cranky, crying, clingy etc.

That’s where your best friends Nurofen and Panadol come in. Because Nurofen contains Ibuprofen and Panadol has paracetamol, you can give it to Bub at the same time aka double pain relief. Just make sure you give the recommended dosage. I found that when Bub is really unwell, just giving one doesn’t do much so we need both at once.

Couple of little tips:

-Time it so you give it to them before bed so that they (and you) can hopefully get a better night’s sleep

-You may experience immense guilt and anguish when Bub won’t easily take the meds and you’re forced to force feed it to them

-Don’t cause yourself more stress by constantly measuring their temperature. A friend of mine got some good advice from a doctor at the Royal Children’s: if the pain medication doesn’t reduce fever, it’s likely Bub has a bacterial infection requiring antibiotics. If it does reduce fever, likely Bub has a virus which you’ll need to wait it out

Also we try to keep up the fluid intake. I found that when he is sick, he won’t eat or drink much and have resorted to breast milk sometimes just so he can have some form of nutrition. Funny side note: one thing he did eat was chips/fries (how do they know? haha)

I think the hardest thing about babies being sick is that you’re literally there along for the ride. Recently, Bub would not sleep unless he was on me and in certain positions. He would not go to Daddy so I spent many nights with a hot little thing glued to me. Add to that, they wake constantly because they feel unwell and don’t know how to deal and you find yourself back to the beginning of newborn stage wondering how the hell did I survive then?!

It’s emotionally taxing as well because you know it’s out of your control and you’ve got to ride the sickness wave, but seeing their little upset faces makes your heart melt. After a couple nights, the lack of sleep really hit me and having to go to work was hell. Thank goodness for carer’s leave. What also sucks is that we can’t send Bub to childcare, but still have to pay for it.

Oh and don’t forget the fact that as they become super duper clingy, you can’t do anything and I mean anything: I had to do a number 2 with him clinging onto me like a koala. He wouldn’t let me put him down without cracking it. I was impressed with how well I was able to go to the toilet with him. He didn’t seem impressed by the smell, but hey, he asked for it!

One more thing to expect is either you and/or your partner getting sick and still having to take care of Bub. Gosh aren’t parents amazing humans!

So in summary, my best tips for dealing with Bub being sick:

1. You can’t take all of their pain away – all you can do is help manage their pain and monitor them

2. Try some self-care: eat well (to boost your immune system) and even something small like a face mask or taking an extra 2 min with a hot shower can help you survive

3. Panadol and Nurofen are your friends

4. Don’t be scared to take them to the doctor if they’re not improving, getting the all clear is a nice feeling

5. It may not feel like it, but the sickness will end and there is light at the end of the tunnel

6. Most importantly, this is the time to give them as much security and love as possible – lots of hugs, kisses and TLC will really help them get through it

Good luck!

Mama tales: Postnatal anxiety

Mama tales: Postnatal anxiety

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One of my fantastic mama friends has been kind enough to share her experience with postnatal anxiety. This is another example of how important our mental health is and to seek help as soon as possible. Also, going with the flow rather than having too many set expectations of your parenting journey will hopefully help you along the way. Enjoy the lessons:

 

 

I’m a planner. My husband and I planned our first pregnancy from day dot. We downloaded an ovulation tracking app, researched obstetricians and hospitals, debated baby names and read numerous pregnancy, birth and parenting books. I watched countless episodes of “One Born Every Minute” in anticipation of getting pregnant. Then the two pink lines appeared on the stick and we were ecstatic! I summarised my research into a concise set of birth notes which included our birth plan. Our OB graciously accepted our birth plan but politely cautioned us that not all births go to plan. Boy I wished I’d taken that advice more seriously. 

 

 

In a nutshell, our birth plan was to have a natural/vaginal birth and breastfeed bub. Neither eventuated. After our 34 weekscan we were diagnosed with Placenta Praevia (where the placenta implants over the cervix opening i.e. baby can’t get out safely) and due to the risk of haemorrhaging, we were put on immediate bed rest and booked in for an early delivery via C-section. Suddenly my notes on mindful hypnobirthing went out the window and I found myself speed researching C-section risks and recovery times.

 

 

Post-birth we struggled through countless breastfeeding attempts, often in the wee hours of the morning (pun intended). We tried everything but it still felt as if someone was slicing my nipples with shards of glass. After engaging a lactation consultant, it turns out I had been experiencing nipple vasospasm (when blood vessels tighten and go into spasm, so that blood does not flow normally) ergo the excruciating pain.

 

 

So I was reminded of our OB’s wise words. Hear me right, I’m not against having C-sections or choosing to formula feed, both were necessary for our situation, but it was the fact that, as a seasoned planner, our birth did not go to plan and I had no control of the outcome. I was also not in the right headspace to accept that reality. That’s when the feeling of guilt and anxiety began.

 

 

Fast forward four months and the guilt and anxiety had exponentially increased to an unhealthy level. I was consumed by feelings of fear and worry that something bad would happen to my baby and constantly worried about whether I was doing the right things. It was exhausting and made me question whether I was a good mum. I second guessed every decision I made and felt like a failure. 

 

 

I decided to talk to my GP about how I was feeling. She confirmed I was experiencing postnatal anxiety and referred me to the Mother Baby Unit (MBU) at Mitcham Private. Here I was able to get the help I needed (and simultaneously address bub’s cat napping). A few sessions with a psychologist helped me identify that the fear and anxiety I was feeling manifested from our unexpected birth and breastfeeding experience and feeling like I had no control over the whole process. She helped me understand that I was not at fault for our diagnoses and that I needed to give myself time to process what had happened, and accept that while things didn’t go according to our plan, the outcome still resulted in a happy and healthy baby. 

 

 

I cannot speak more highly of the team at Mitcham Private MBU. On top of their specialist support, they are also compassionate, patient and understanding. They taught me to be kind and trust myself and my motherly instincts. They empowered me to be the mum I knew I could be. While at Mitcham Private MBU, I was able to get much needed rest, guidance and support and meet other mums experiencing similar difficulties.  After a four-night stay, the result was a more confident and rested mum with a baby who had also learned a few new tricks like how to self-settle. 

 

 

One year on, I’m a working mum with a one-year-old. I still feel guilty and anxious at times but I’m managing much better and reminding myself that I can do as much planning as Iwant, but that doesn’t mean it’ll go according to that plan. I’ve learned to not be so self critical and focus on the joys, not the challenges. I’ve learned to rely on my faith and accept that life is messy and unpredictable and that’s okay. And I’ve learned to remind myself that I’m not failing and that I am enough for my daughter.

 

Postnatal depression – you’re not alone

Postnatal depression – you’re not alone

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Wanted to share my personal experience with postnatal depression. Not a long post, but an important one if you’re going through it.

This is something that many parents go through and it should be talked about more so this is my contribution to the resources already out there helping others get through a difficult period.

I can see why so many parents (yes dads can experience it too!) could experience it: mixing exhaustion, interrupted/lack of sleep, figuring out parenthood day by day plus not being able to do things you used to be able to do is surely going to lead to a mental imbalance.

For me, after having Bub, I was very happy and thankful for him. The oxytocin kick definitely helped with the bonding process and getting through the first few weeks.

However, the interrupted and lack of sleep, learning how to breastfeed and overall massive change in my life made me yearn for the past and also feel very alone. I’m lucky to have a lot of support, but still felt this way. The main feelings/warning signs for me were:

-Sitting up overnight to feed Bub and reflecting on my life before he arrived, I really missed the freedom I had and felt like I was in it alone because only I could breastfeed my child

-I had unwanted and disturbing thoughts about situations where Bub could be hurt by me eg if I bathed him and kept him underwater. I would never harm him and it really freaked me out as to why these were popping up

-I got stressed if I did something ‘wrong’ and how it would affect Bub long term eg if I wasn’t happy all the time, would he grow up feeling depressed, how would I be able to protect him from the ‘bad’ things in the world etc

At the 6 week appointment and through the initial maternal child health appointments, they ask you about how you are to help identify post natal depression early. I think this is great because it shows there is definitely support out there and that it does happen to many people which is why there are measures in place to help you.

For me, it got to a point where I started feeling very ‘depressed’ inside – the best way I could explain it is feeling very low inside and not being able to shake it off.

The hardest thing about this period was actually deciding to do something about it – in a way it feels like I’ve failed already as a parent as I had something ‘wrong’ with me and things were only just starting! However, not wanting for this to get worse, I let my partner, family & close friends know how I felt and decided to call PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) which is a not for profit organisation supporting parents who experience post natal depression. When I called and spoke to someone, they asked me questions and was quite understanding. They sent me some resources, but suggested I contact my GP and get a referral to speak to someone.

I ended up going to see a psychologist to discuss how I was feeling. After the first few sessions (and through chats to my support network), I realised a few things:

-Those disturbing thoughts of harming Bub stemmed from me mentally processing the fact that he is so vulnerable and his survival depends on me

-The initial parenthood period was bloody hard and I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. This made an already difficult experience even more difficult.

Once I realised that there is no such thing as perfect parenting and the high expectations I’d innately placed on myself, I was able to let that go.

So, what are the lessons I learned?

-If you’ve just had a baby and are feeling not like yourself, do something about it before it gets worse and reach out for help. The hardest thing about this is taking that first step to help yourself.

Talking to a third party really helped me realise what I was doing to myself. I think there is still a stigma on going to see a psychologist when your mental health is suffering. If you were hurt physically, you wouldn’t hesitate to go see a doctor. So the same applies for our mental health.

For me, I had to overcome my ego and face the reality that something was wrong. I’m so glad I did because I was able to ‘quickly’ overcome my postnatal depression and also discuss other things with the psychologist to gain tools to improve other areas of my life

-There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child – being good enough for your children and doing your best is the answer. I learned about the Circle of Security concept through the psychologist (will talk about it in a future post) and am grateful for this big important lesson

-Becoming a parent for the first time is hard. You can’t really describe how it feels or what it means to describe it as difficult (only those going through it will understand). Remember that you are not alone and there are plenty of others going through the same or worse. All we can do is take it day by day and trust me, things will get better. If it doesn’t, seek help!

Carrying the mental load

Carrying the mental load

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This post is more of a rant and my thoughts on carrying the mental load as recently, I’ve had challenges with getting the balance right. What is the mental load you may ask? It’s all the organising and planning aka mental work to manage life. For me, it involves thinking and planning how and when to clean the house each week, what to buy and eat for the week, what to pack for Bub for childcare/outings etc. And then you’ve also got the actual physical part of it i.e. actually cleaning, packing to get it done.

Most of you have probably heard about how the mental load usually is distributed to the woman of the household. Why? Because back then, society dictated that men go and make money and females stay home and keep the household in order. I’m sure there are plenty of dudes out there that do a lot and share household responsibilities, but for me and the people I know, most of the time the woman is left to carry this mental load.

For me personally, my personality is one where I am organised and clean and I’ll get it done because clean house = clean mind for me. My partner is great in that he’ll do what is asked and doesn’t believe that I should be doing everything, however, he is inherently lazy and can procrastinate. Plus he doesn’t think the household chores are necessarily that important so doesn’t place as much value in getting it done as quickly as me. So for us, I naturally take charge and carry majority of the mental load.

We used to split the chores quite equally, but recently, as we’re living with my family, the situation has changed and my partner doesn’t need to do as much. Once we move out again, I’m sure we will establish a good routine.

Now me carrying the mental load was fine when we were childless, but after having Bub, the mental load grows: what to feed Bub, what to pack for him when we go out, what to pack for him for childcare, keeping up with vaccinations, when the replenish baby supplies and the list goes on.

Earlier this year, I read Clementine Ford’s book: Boys will be boys and felt inspired to really push the whole equality in the household agenda. I tried to write down all the household chores and divide it up so we knew what each person needed to do. But then recently I’ve just started to do more and grew a lot of resentment as a result. For example, if my partner needed to vacuum, but was taking his time to get it done, I’d just jump in and do it because I’d rather have a clean house then sit there knowing it hadn’t been done. But then in the back of my mind, resentment started growing.

So I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place: I naturally take charge, but if I got my partner to be more ‘dominant’, we would likely clash because I want to be the one in charge. Plus it’s impossible to change someone (I can’t imagine trying to become lazy). Also, one of the reasons why I like him is because he’s relatively easy going (I guess opposites attract ha) and he lets me do my thing. But then at the same time, I feel it’s unfair that I am stuck being the one who does naturally care more about this stuff. As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think it will ever be perfectly 50/50.

We’ve discussed this issue (discussion has included a lot of disagreement) and for us it’s come down to: in order to split it better, we will talk through what chores need to be done and who will do what and just let each other do our allocated share. Plus where I do start organising something, get him involved early and if I’m feeling resentful, provide that in the moment feedback rather than letting it build and explode where every little thing he does ‘wrong’ puts me over the edge. I think worst case, we will probably hire a cleaner because I don’t think it’s worth fighting over chores. To be fair to my partner, he is great (if he was a sexist pig I wouldn’t have married him haha) and will do things without being asked to eg wash the clothes because the basket is full etc and he is now more mindful of how I feel.

Part of it thus involves me letting go a little of having to get things done quickly. For me, this is really hard, but I’d rather let cleaning the toilet drag by an extra day then start getting pissed off at my partner if I do it in his place.

One of the most important things this has taught me (and thanks to Clementine’s book) is to instill the value of housework to my son from an early age. I want him to grow up and be respectful of work that needs to be done in the home and do his bit. There is definitely a shift in the world towards equality and actually doing something about it so this is a great time to teach him. So as soon as he is able, he will learn how to vacuum, mop, sweep, take the rubbish out, clean the shower, clean the toilet etc. I think it’s also a great family activity to do together and then we could reward ourselves and go out for ice cream or something J It’s too late to change my husband to care more or be proactive because his values are already too ingrained so gota start with the young generation and hopefully he’ll pass this onto his children (if he decides to have any).

So my lessons learned (and still learning):

  • You can’t expect to change your partner, but you can learn to work with what you’ve got. You may not get to the ‘ideal’ situation, but life ain’t perfect and marriage is all about compromise and communication
  • Don’t let resentment grow, give in the moment feedback
  • Slowly let go of needing to get shit done so quickly – your life isn’t going to end just because the toilet isn’t clean right now
  • Teach Bub early on to instill those values into him
Mama body journey – it’s yours to shape

Mama body journey – it’s yours to shape

by DIY: Babies & Parenting ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Another big lesson for me throughout the baby journey has been accepting and working with my body. I want to share how I dealt with body changes from pregnancy to now. The 2 main things I want to highlight are:

  1. Going through the physical body changes really forced me to work on my self-conscious beliefs of my body and learn to accept that I am enough despite any self-perceived ‘flaws’ (something I’m still working on)
  2. Through hard work and discipline, over 1 year on, I have managed to lose my baby weight + more (apart from my boobs as I’m still breastfeeding) – I would say I’m slimmer than before I got pregnant (although not as much as when I was a teenager haha). So, it IS possible to get your body back and better than it was before

Please note that I respect how personal this whole body stuff is. This post is not intended to push others to follow my steps or shame those who don’t hold the same beliefs and attitudes. I just want to share my experience for anyone who may go through something similar or is looking for any ‘tips’. When I was pregnant, it would have benefited me to read something like this so I hope this helps you:

Pregnancy

Before falling pregnant, I liked to keep fit and was slim. I’m a believer that having a strong body and mind helps you in all aspects of your life. However, I was quite self-conscious of not having a super flat stomach and would focus on that a lot.

As soon as I fell pregnant, one of the first things I thought about was how my body would change. I always had the impression that after having a baby, apart from those mum celebrities who have access to personal trainers, dieticians and nannies, for us everyday mums, our bodies wouldn’t be the same after birth and we would be ‘worse off’ with stretch marks, excess belly fat etc.

However, I felt so grateful to be pregnant and be able to experience parenthood, so one of the first decisions I made as a new mum-to-be was that I was going to enjoy my pregnancy and would not worry about weight gain/body changes – I would try to keep fit and healthy and post-labour, work to get my body back (if possible).

Making that clear mental decision really helped as I stopped focusing on each small body change and instead chose to marvel at the magic of pregnancy: how our body knows what to do and changes in all sorts of ways to create a human being. I also found that using meditation and yoga during this time really helped my mental state in accepting and dealing with these changes. For example, I got PUPPP scars towards the end of my pregnancy from scratching, but instead of being super negative about this, instead decided to think: oh well good battle scars to remind me of a challenge that I managed to survive through.

I did gain ‘excess weight’ as I started to eat more than I needed to, but after I found out that I had gestational diabetes, was forced to scale back which really helped in managing the weight gain (so blessing in disguise). I didn’t weigh myself much so I’m not sure how much weight I gained, but I would say probably around 12-15kg all up. Don’t get me wrong, there were definitely times where I would think/compare myself to before pregnancy and feel concerned. But I did my best to choose a more positive approach and be kind to myself. One thing that was interesting to note was that I stopped caring about my stomach size (obviously it was going to get bigger) and it was so mentally relieving not to think about it – that highlighted to me how much of a drain being negative on yourself can be.

Postpartum

Straight after giving birth, my stomach did not go back to before – I looked like I was around 25 weeks pregnant. I didn’t really care how my body would be like as I was too focused on Bub and recovering. I did notice how over the few weeks after giving birth, my body seemed to completely ‘relax’ and I had a lot of excess back and stomach fat that didn’t seem to be there before giving birth.

My appetite increased dramatically as I built up my milk supply and I ate A LOT (probably equivalent to 2-3 times what I would usually eat haha). This combined with being at home did not help and I reckon I gained weight (especially as I didn’t have to worry about my gestational diabetes anymore).

In the first 6 weeks, we’re advised not to exercise strenuously as your body is recovering. Instead, I did some very gentle recommended ‘exercises’ such as pelvic floor lifts mainly to help my body recover and be able to carry my baby. It was so interesting as my body felt like it had relaxed so much that any muscle strength I had was gone and my body was just a flabby, milk-making machine. Wanting to be kind to my body, but also wanting to strengthen myself as I felt so weak, I enrolled into a month of yoga classes – I found one of those introductory deals with Light Space Yoga ($24 for a month with unlimited classes!). Yoga would not only help me physically, but also mentally survive those first few exhausting weeks of parenthood.

The classes were fantastic, but I could see how I was definitely heavier/flabbier and couldn’t fit well into my exercise gear. I also started weighing myself and looking at my body in the mirror after showers – although I appreciated how much my body had gone through, I was unhappy with my shape. It felt like I had to start my fitness journey again and start from scratch.

After 2 months, I felt more physically strong and tried to combine some light running + HIIT. This was ok, but I didn’t feel ‘comfortable’ and it felt forced and not something I really enjoyed. A few mum friends shared that they found the weight really started to come off after 6 months (maybe because breastfeeding becomes more settled and established then?). I’m fortunate to have good friends and family to talk to and I came to the conclusion that this was an opportunity to work on my self-confidence and that I would continue to put in the work to get my body back to strong, but that this would take time (nothing good comes easy). I also realised that it was time for me to open up and try new ways rather than what I did before I got pregnant.

From around 5 months postpartum to today, these are the changes I made:

  • I started doing Kayla Itsines’ BBG program – I’d had this around before pregnancy, but never gave it a go. I saw the success of others who followed the program and thought I’d give it a try. This program really suits how I like to exercise and I’ve experienced great results
  • I read ‘The Adrenal Reset Diet’ by Alan Christianson – I got back into reading whilst on parental leave and decided to expand my knowledge and read a variety of different books – this was a random library book that I picked up.
  • This isn’t so much a diet, but a way of ‘smart’ eating – the principle behind it is to cycle your carbohydrate intake. What I love about it is that you still eat (no starvation required) – you have 1 golf ball size of carbs for breakfast, 2 golf ball sizes at lunch and 3 at night (golf ball = approx. ¼ cup) – aka you increase your carb intake throughout the day. There are certain things that he suggests you cut back on like dairy and bread, but I love the focus on eating lots of ‘real food’. I don’t follow it perfectly and still eat junk food like ice cream, chocolate, Maccas etc but I do it every now and then because life is all about balance 😀
  • Mentally: to build my self-confidence, I continued to meditate to practice being present (I use the 1 Giant Mind app which is free). On a daily basis, I put my hand on my heart and say ‘I am enough’ a few times (if you’re interested, Google Marisa Peer – I am enough). When I find my mind thinking about past things or what to do next (which is usually when I start to get stressed), I stop myself and remember to ‘be present’) (thank you LC for these tips :))

My lifestyle is now:

  • Following the adrenal reset diet and cycling my carbs and eating real food, but having guilty pleasures every now and then to keep me in balance
  • Exercise: doing Kayla’s BBG program: 3 x 28 min HIIT equivalent workouts (high intensity) + going for walks on the remaining days
  • Meditation, ‘I am enough’ sayings & practicing being present

Through the above, I found that I’ve lost a lot of weight (when I last weighed myself about a year postpartum, I was lighter than before I got pregnant) and feel strong physically and mentally. This helps my self-confidence at work and at home. However, I’m not perfect and this journey of self-love still continues.

I’m really grateful that I have supportive family who can help watch Bub so I can do the above. I’m also thankful to myself for putting in the hard work and discipline to better myself (part of the self-love = thanking yourself :)). Most of all, I’m grateful that having a baby forced me to work on myself and overall become a better person.

Lessons learned:

  • You are enough despite your body shape – tell yourself that daily! Making the mental decision to accept your body & love it for what it can do goes a long way
  • You just had a baby, it’s true what they say: it took 9 months for your body to grow and create your precious Bub and it will take at least that long to get it back to before so as hard as it is, be patient
  • If you put in the work, you will get your body back to better than before – your body is not the same as before you had a baby – it’s actually better!
Sleep (or lack thereof)

Sleep (or lack thereof)

by DIY: Babies & Parenting ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

One of the biggest changes for me entering parenthood is sleep (or lack thereof). Here is my sleep ‘evolution’ from pregnancy to postpartum. Warning: I now have a perfectly imperfect sleep situation with Bub. This post is not a sleep training post, but more to show you that with some (probably most) babies, sleeping through the night is not a realistic expectation to place on them.

During pregnancy, I slept really well apart from occasional wake-ups to relieve my bladder. People warned me to ‘enjoy’ my sleep because I won’t get anything like it for many years. When I was pregnant, I knew sleep would become interrupted, but didn’t appreciate how ‘interrupted’.

Once Bub was born and whilst in hospital, he slept really well and I thought: piece of cake! Boy was I wrong – once we got home and reality set in, the challenge really started.

Initially my body was exhausted from labour so that did not help. Bub also kept waking very frequently to feed. Whilst my milk was being built up and Bub was cluster feeding, there were times he would feed from 10pm – 1/2am – staying up with him on the boob was draining and tiring. Add to that the nights where I would walk up and down the hallway for at least an hour trying to get him to fall asleep and you get a very exhausted mummy. The only way I survived was I learned to nap while he napped or just lie down if I couldn’t fall asleep. It was exhausting, but after the initial 6 weeks, Bub’s overnight sleeping went from 1-2 hourly to 3 hourly (that extra hour was heaven).

I tried to teach him the difference between day and night by having a bedtime routine (bath and feed) and keeping it quiet and dark at night. We were doing ok until the 4 month ‘sleep regression’ which for us lasted 2 months! He kept waking every hour or two. Then once he hit 6 months, it went back to around 3-4 hours and then every 2-3 hours overnight.

During this time, I had gotten some sleep guides from kind mum friends, which taught you to have set nap times to establish a ‘routine’. It had daily nap and feeding schedules which were quite helpful. However, it really stressed me out when I couldn’t get Bub to sleep or nod off on time/for the allocated time. I know some friends whose Bubs accustomed quite well to it, but for me, it wasn’t the right thing and caused more stress. I was also considering sleep school as I was going back to work after Bub was 9 months and wanted to make sure everything was steady before then.

Then I read a book which emphasised how sleep is very much a developmental milestone and like other milestones like walking, eating, smiling etc, it is unique for each baby. So after that, I just relaxed and went with the flow. I stopped trying to time his naps and trusted that when he was tired, he would communicate that and if he needed to wake up frequently overnight, it was because he needed my comfort. So long as I provided him with the security and love he needed, he will get there in the end (I will do another post about ‘Circle of Security parenting’ down the track).

Now Bub is almost 12 months and our sleeping ‘schedule’ goes something like this:

Mon – Fri: Bub is at childcare 3 days during the week and with grandparents the other 2. Thanks to childcare and us just letting him nap when he feels the need to, he quite easily falls asleep during the day and has 2-3 naps.

We found that after commencing childcare, he falls asleep really easily – I think it’s because they don’t ‘spoil’ them to get what they want so the babies learn to more independently fall asleep

Sat/Sun: we go about our weekend and when he shows signs of sleepiness, let him do his thing.

Each night (Mon – Sun), we keep to routine of bath then feed to sleep. I only breastfeed at night and I co-sleep with Bub (more on weaning breastfeeds for work in a future post to come). When he cries at night or wakes, I’ll pop him on the boob and we fall back asleep. He wakes up 2-3 times generally including when we have to get up, so it’s not too bad (will wake more when he’s sick or going through a growth stage).

So I guess I’m committing the sins of sleep training by feeding him to sleep, using the boob to comfort him back to sleep overnight and co-sleeping. But I don’t care. Why? Because it works for our family – I get a pretty restful sleep so I can go to work full-time, Bub gets the comfort of mum and to be honest, I love having him next to me knowing that he’s safe and being able to wake up to his smiles. And guess what, Bub is thriving!

I was also comforted by a fellow mum who said she breastfed her baby at night until he was around 16 months – she found that after they got the hang of teething and night terrors etc, they just naturally slept longer throughout the night.

So all in all, I have not had one night of uninterrupted sleep since giving birth (us mums are true superheroes), but know that one day, I will miss what I have now, so it’s all good.

Lessons learned:

  • If you haven’t had a baby yet, ENJOY YOUR SLEEP
  • Don’t expect your baby to sleep through the night – it’s a developmental milestone (if yours does, count your blessings)
  • There are plenty of guides and resources out there (including sleep school). I’m a big believer on the more ‘natural’ method, but that’s what works for me and what I feel comfortable with
  • Which brings me to my last point: do what works for you and your family – don’t feel bad if you find what works for you is ‘frowned’ upon because there’s no such thing as a perfect baby. So long as you, Bub & family are healthy and happy, that’s all that matters