This post is more of a rant and my thoughts on carrying the mental load as recently, I’ve had challenges with getting the balance right. What is the mental load you may ask? It’s all the organising and planning aka mental work to manage life. For me, it involves thinking and planning how and when to clean the house each week, what to buy and eat for the week, what to pack for Bub for childcare/outings etc. And then you’ve also got the actual physical part of it i.e. actually cleaning, packing to get it done.

Most of you have probably heard about how the mental load usually is distributed to the woman of the household. Why? Because back then, society dictated that men go and make money and females stay home and keep the household in order. I’m sure there are plenty of dudes out there that do a lot and share household responsibilities, but for me and the people I know, most of the time the woman is left to carry this mental load.

For me personally, my personality is one where I am organised and clean and I’ll get it done because clean house = clean mind for me. My partner is great in that he’ll do what is asked and doesn’t believe that I should be doing everything, however, he is inherently lazy and can procrastinate. Plus he doesn’t think the household chores are necessarily that important so doesn’t place as much value in getting it done as quickly as me. So for us, I naturally take charge and carry majority of the mental load.

We used to split the chores quite equally, but recently, as we’re living with my family, the situation has changed and my partner doesn’t need to do as much. Once we move out again, I’m sure we will establish a good routine.

Now me carrying the mental load was fine when we were childless, but after having Bub, the mental load grows: what to feed Bub, what to pack for him when we go out, what to pack for him for childcare, keeping up with vaccinations, when the replenish baby supplies and the list goes on.

Earlier this year, I read Clementine Ford’s book: Boys will be boys and felt inspired to really push the whole equality in the household agenda. I tried to write down all the household chores and divide it up so we knew what each person needed to do. But then recently I’ve just started to do more and grew a lot of resentment as a result. For example, if my partner needed to vacuum, but was taking his time to get it done, I’d just jump in and do it because I’d rather have a clean house then sit there knowing it hadn’t been done. But then in the back of my mind, resentment started growing.

So I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place: I naturally take charge, but if I got my partner to be more ‘dominant’, we would likely clash because I want to be the one in charge. Plus it’s impossible to change someone (I can’t imagine trying to become lazy). Also, one of the reasons why I like him is because he’s relatively easy going (I guess opposites attract ha) and he lets me do my thing. But then at the same time, I feel it’s unfair that I am stuck being the one who does naturally care more about this stuff. As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think it will ever be perfectly 50/50.

We’ve discussed this issue (discussion has included a lot of disagreement) and for us it’s come down to: in order to split it better, we will talk through what chores need to be done and who will do what and just let each other do our allocated share. Plus where I do start organising something, get him involved early and if I’m feeling resentful, provide that in the moment feedback rather than letting it build and explode where every little thing he does ‘wrong’ puts me over the edge. I think worst case, we will probably hire a cleaner because I don’t think it’s worth fighting over chores. To be fair to my partner, he is great (if he was a sexist pig I wouldn’t have married him haha) and will do things without being asked to eg wash the clothes because the basket is full etc and he is now more mindful of how I feel.

Part of it thus involves me letting go a little of having to get things done quickly. For me, this is really hard, but I’d rather let cleaning the toilet drag by an extra day then start getting pissed off at my partner if I do it in his place.

One of the most important things this has taught me (and thanks to Clementine’s book) is to instill the value of housework to my son from an early age. I want him to grow up and be respectful of work that needs to be done in the home and do his bit. There is definitely a shift in the world towards equality and actually doing something about it so this is a great time to teach him. So as soon as he is able, he will learn how to vacuum, mop, sweep, take the rubbish out, clean the shower, clean the toilet etc. I think it’s also a great family activity to do together and then we could reward ourselves and go out for ice cream or something J It’s too late to change my husband to care more or be proactive because his values are already too ingrained so gota start with the young generation and hopefully he’ll pass this onto his children (if he decides to have any).

So my lessons learned (and still learning):

• You can’t expect to change your partner, but you can learn to work with what you’ve got. You may not get to the ‘ideal’ situation, but life ain’t perfect and marriage is all about compromise and communication
• Don’t let resentment grow, give in the moment feedback
• Slowly let go of needing to get shit done so quickly – your life isn’t going to end just because the toilet isn’t clean right now
• Teach Bub early on to instill those values into him