Tag: parent

Mama thoughts on: Circle of security and attachment theory

Mama thoughts on: Circle of security and attachment theory

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I’ve been putting this post off for awhile as I wanted to get more familiar with the topic, but I’m just going to give it a go. Excuse also my lack of posting – we’ve had a continued bout of sickness ranging from various viruses through to gastro (eick).

Anyway, in some of my earlier posts, I’ve referred to the concept of the circle of security. I remember saying that I would write about it so here goes:

I was introduced to this ‘concept’ when I was seeing a psychologist to talk through my postnatal depression issues. I’ll try to break it down as easily and succinctly as possible.

What is it?

Circle of security (you can watch the animation on YouTube) is a concept that children go through a circle (cycle) of needing to go out and explore and then come back in. As parents, we are the hands that let them go off around the circle and welcome them back when they complete their exploration. It applies to anyone really. To put simply: we need to go out to explore and grow and then need a safe base to return home.

If we can help our kids go around the circle, it helps them build secure attachment.

What is secure attachment?

There is ‘attachment’ theory that is premised on the fact that people generally fall into a spectrum of attachment styles depending on how our childhood plays out. So for example, if you had parents who didn’t pay much attention to you and constantly rejected you, then you’re likely to be someone who keeps to themselves (reason being that your emotional needs weren’t met and so you don’t bother reaching out for connection).

Secure attachment is what we all hope to strive for. It’s not a perfect form of attachment, but more ideal as those who are securely attached are quite ‘balanced’.

How can this circle concept go wrong?

An example of a child going around the circle is at the playground. If you take your child there, generally they will want to run off to play and eventually come back.

Secure attachment would be if you encourage your child to go off whilst watching them and when they show signs of wanting to come back around the circle eg come back for a hug or yell out: watch me! and you reciprocate by giving them the hug or saying: good work honey!

Where it can go wrong is if your child wants to go and play, but you may say no don’t or stay very close etc or you show you don’t care and when they hurt themselves or call out for you, you ignore them.

The former scenario allows the child to explore and welcomes them backs. The latter doesn’t allow for the ‘circle’ to be complete.

Why would it go wrong?

Based on attachment theory, we have each grown up in different circumstances and this will mean we likely will lie somewhere along the spectrum of the attachment styles. For example, if you grew up fending for yourself, it’s likely that will effect the way you treat your child: either you become very protective because you don’t want them to experience the same or you could be very blasé about what they do.

So what’s the point of all this?

The good news is that even if as parents, we are not securely attached, we can still provide our children with secure attachment.

What’s even better is that you don’t need to be able to do this all of the time. As long as you try and this happens some of the time, then they’ll be fine. Aka there is no need to be a perfect parent, being a good enough one is even better!

There are books on these concepts so feel free to have a read. I wouldn’t call it a parenting model as such as I see it as a very logical, natural way of parenting.

Also, there are books that talk about how you can deal with your and your partner’s attachment style to improve the relationship. For example, if you have someone who is more clingy with someone who is quite aloof, there are tips such as the aloof partner checking in every now and then during the day with the cling partner etc.

I personally try to adopt secure attachment with my Bub and find it helpful as it helps me relax in my parenting style and feel comfortable that as long as I try, he’ll be fine.

So lessons:

1. There’s no need for perfect parenting, aim for good enough

2. Help your child around the circle of security – you won’t be able to all of the time, but try to some of the time

3. If you don’t agree that’s fine, do what you think is right 🙂

There’s more to life than Bub? My working mama lessons

There’s more to life than Bub? My working mama lessons

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Being a parent is a job in itself. For me, I’ve chosen to go back to full time work and wanted to share my experience, any lessons I’ve picked up to juggle both roles and highlight that it’s a continuing lesson to get it right and achieve your ‘goals’.

I’m the type of person who can’t stay at home, I like working because it makes me feel like I’m doing something for myself and working on me (I guess it’s akin to self-care). So I ended up going back to work after Bub was 9 months. And boy I was pretty ready to go back – I felt like after the 6 month mark, ‘how to parent’ became easier as the lessons gained momentum and I got into more of a rhythm. For me, staying at home all day did my head on and I envied my husband who got to go to work haha!

However, going back had its challenges:

-Initial feelings of worry, guilt and anxiety about leaving Bub in childcare

-People being surprised that I wasn’t taking a full 12 months and going back full time (I got this reaction a lot)

-Having to plan ahead and wean Bub off daytime feeds

-Concern about how I was going to remember how to work

-How would the whole pick up/drop off logistics work

-Would I survive given I was still boobing Bub overnight?

But you just gota go for it and work things through one at a time.

Initially when I went back to work, it felt SO weird – like I was on another planet. I was so used to being a homebody that going back to a professional environment was a bit alien to me. However, I had a supportive team and because I was good at my job before I left (yes sounds like I’m boasting, but this is factually true haha), it came back to me relatively quickly and I hit the ground running.

It was nice to go to work and not have to deal with feeding Bub, stimulating and playing with him, getting him the right amount of naps etc. Was also nice to do adult things and have adult conversations. We are fortunate to have a split care system for Bub: 2 days with grandparents and 3 at childcare so counting our blessings.

In terms of ‘balancing’ life and work, my job was flexible enough so that I’d start early and leave early. Now I’ve started a new job and have had to adjust my hours for now so I get enough face time to learn and become skilled. Once I’m ready, I will consider rejigging work to better suit life.

So there’s a couple of things that I wanted to dig a bit deeper into-these are the main ‘challenges’ I’ve encountered since returning to work:

1. Bub started the immunity building program at childcare – simply put, he keeps getting sick. Flu, cold, gastro etc. Not fun to deal with and usually results in lack of sleep, me or hubby getting sick and Bub not being able to go to childcare. What sucks is that if he doesn’t attend, we still have to pay! Thank goodness for carer’s leave. But the worst is getting barely any proper sleep and having to go to work. I swear, if I ever get to set working policies down the track, I will work out some way to help other parents in this situation – you just feel like shit and all you want to do is sleep.

2. Feeling guilty about working full time: most people I know go back part time and then assess. For me, I adopted the reverse: I’d go back full time and if it wasn’t working for me, change to part time. I think the major reason for this (apart from financially) is that I wanted to ‘lean in’ (adopting advice from Sheryl Sandberg’s book called Lean in). This also prompted me to find a new role with better opportunities. But this doesn’t come without some worry and guilt. Guilt that I should be spending precious time with Bub before he grows up and doesn’t want to hang out with me as much. Am I a bad mum for wanting to develop myself? Nah I don’t think so because if I’m happy then I can be an even better parent.

3. Trying to do it all: I’ve written about the mental load, but wanted to highlight that when I started full time work, I still expected we can clean, cook and do life well. It’s not easy (obviously) and I think you need to be quite organised and push for your partner to do their bit. For me, I’m very organised so it’s not an issue – the biggest issue is trying to take over everything and not giving my partner the space to do it. To be honest, I still direct everything, but that’s just how we work and I like it like that.

4. Feeling torn between wanting to progress my career, but have enough Bub and me time: can you have it all? Some say yes some say no. Given the shift towards more flexible working (although I sometimes feel guilty asking and actioning it), perhaps you can. I’ve read enough about how there is so much untapped potential in working mums-we have so many abilities which translates well into work. So for me, this is a work in progress as I learn to professionally grow and balance that with family life. I think part of the answer lies in being clear about your priorities to your employer, working in a team where they support you and having the courage to practice ‘flexible working’.

So my top tips for working mums:

-As I always say, do what works for you. Sometimes you have to push past the guilt and not talk yourself out of what might really work for you e.g. if you want to work part time, full time or not at all and it’s right for you, then do that

-Take everything one step at a time and be in the moment! If Bub is sick and it feels like they’re never going to get better, remember this too shall pass. Focus on the here and now and hey at least you’ll be grateful for when things go back to ‘normal’

-If possible, map out a good routine with your family and push for it to happen

-If you’re thriving, that means you’re going to be a better version of you and a better parent

-You’re not alone, myself and many others and still working through this!

Good luck! 🙂

How to cope with a sick Bub

How to cope with a sick Bub

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Everyone gets sick. But it’s so hard when it involves Bub. When it first happened and more recently as he’s had a flu that is taking its sweet ass time to heal, it brought my experiences of being sick to a whole other level.

Personally, I’ve found that when Bub gets sick:

1. He gets cranky and won’t eat

2. He clings onto me like there’s no tomorrow

3. All I want to do is get rid of his pain, but I’m so limited in what I can do

4. Lastly, once he’s better, usually you and/or your partner gets sick

So here’s a lowdown on what happened recently and the lessons learned – if this is your first time with your first Bub being sick, hopefully this will give you some realistic hope 🙂

Initially, Bub’s sickness starts with him getting crankier and more clingy than usual. Then comes the fever. Supposedly for babies, anything over 37 degrees Celsius = fever. But fear not, if Bub has a fever, that’s a good sign because it means their immune system is fighting the unwanted guest in their system. When you may need to act is if they are in pain or acting unwell. I’ve had instances where Bub has a fever eg post vaccination or teething and he’s perfectly fine despite a higher body temperature. Usually though, a fever will be accompanied by them being unwell aka runny nose, cranky, crying, clingy etc.

That’s where your best friends Nurofen and Panadol come in. Because Nurofen contains Ibuprofen and Panadol has paracetamol, you can give it to Bub at the same time aka double pain relief. Just make sure you give the recommended dosage. I found that when Bub is really unwell, just giving one doesn’t do much so we need both at once.

Couple of little tips:

-Time it so you give it to them before bed so that they (and you) can hopefully get a better night’s sleep

-You may experience immense guilt and anguish when Bub won’t easily take the meds and you’re forced to force feed it to them

-Don’t cause yourself more stress by constantly measuring their temperature. A friend of mine got some good advice from a doctor at the Royal Children’s: if the pain medication doesn’t reduce fever, it’s likely Bub has a bacterial infection requiring antibiotics. If it does reduce fever, likely Bub has a virus which you’ll need to wait it out

Also we try to keep up the fluid intake. I found that when he is sick, he won’t eat or drink much and have resorted to breast milk sometimes just so he can have some form of nutrition. Funny side note: one thing he did eat was chips/fries (how do they know? haha)

I think the hardest thing about babies being sick is that you’re literally there along for the ride. Recently, Bub would not sleep unless he was on me and in certain positions. He would not go to Daddy so I spent many nights with a hot little thing glued to me. Add to that, they wake constantly because they feel unwell and don’t know how to deal and you find yourself back to the beginning of newborn stage wondering how the hell did I survive then?!

It’s emotionally taxing as well because you know it’s out of your control and you’ve got to ride the sickness wave, but seeing their little upset faces makes your heart melt. After a couple nights, the lack of sleep really hit me and having to go to work was hell. Thank goodness for carer’s leave. What also sucks is that we can’t send Bub to childcare, but still have to pay for it.

Oh and don’t forget the fact that as they become super duper clingy, you can’t do anything and I mean anything: I had to do a number 2 with him clinging onto me like a koala. He wouldn’t let me put him down without cracking it. I was impressed with how well I was able to go to the toilet with him. He didn’t seem impressed by the smell, but hey, he asked for it!

One more thing to expect is either you and/or your partner getting sick and still having to take care of Bub. Gosh aren’t parents amazing humans!

So in summary, my best tips for dealing with Bub being sick:

1. You can’t take all of their pain away – all you can do is help manage their pain and monitor them

2. Try some self-care: eat well (to boost your immune system) and even something small like a face mask or taking an extra 2 min with a hot shower can help you survive

3. Panadol and Nurofen are your friends

4. Don’t be scared to take them to the doctor if they’re not improving, getting the all clear is a nice feeling

5. It may not feel like it, but the sickness will end and there is light at the end of the tunnel

6. Most importantly, this is the time to give them as much security and love as possible – lots of hugs, kisses and TLC will really help them get through it

Good luck!

Sleep (or lack thereof)

Sleep (or lack thereof)

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One of the biggest changes for me entering parenthood is sleep (or lack thereof). Here is my sleep ‘evolution’ from pregnancy to postpartum. Warning: I now have a perfectly imperfect sleep situation with Bub. This post is not a sleep training post, but more to show you that with some (probably most) babies, sleeping through the night is not a realistic expectation to place on them.

During pregnancy, I slept really well apart from occasional wake-ups to relieve my bladder. People warned me to ‘enjoy’ my sleep because I won’t get anything like it for many years. When I was pregnant, I knew sleep would become interrupted, but didn’t appreciate how ‘interrupted’.

Once Bub was born and whilst in hospital, he slept really well and I thought: piece of cake! Boy was I wrong – once we got home and reality set in, the challenge really started.

Initially my body was exhausted from labour so that did not help. Bub also kept waking very frequently to feed. Whilst my milk was being built up and Bub was cluster feeding, there were times he would feed from 10pm – 1/2am – staying up with him on the boob was draining and tiring. Add to that the nights where I would walk up and down the hallway for at least an hour trying to get him to fall asleep and you get a very exhausted mummy. The only way I survived was I learned to nap while he napped or just lie down if I couldn’t fall asleep. It was exhausting, but after the initial 6 weeks, Bub’s overnight sleeping went from 1-2 hourly to 3 hourly (that extra hour was heaven).

I tried to teach him the difference between day and night by having a bedtime routine (bath and feed) and keeping it quiet and dark at night. We were doing ok until the 4 month ‘sleep regression’ which for us lasted 2 months! He kept waking every hour or two. Then once he hit 6 months, it went back to around 3-4 hours and then every 2-3 hours overnight.

During this time, I had gotten some sleep guides from kind mum friends, which taught you to have set nap times to establish a ‘routine’. It had daily nap and feeding schedules which were quite helpful. However, it really stressed me out when I couldn’t get Bub to sleep or nod off on time/for the allocated time. I know some friends whose Bubs accustomed quite well to it, but for me, it wasn’t the right thing and caused more stress. I was also considering sleep school as I was going back to work after Bub was 9 months and wanted to make sure everything was steady before then.

Then I read a book which emphasised how sleep is very much a developmental milestone and like other milestones like walking, eating, smiling etc, it is unique for each baby. So after that, I just relaxed and went with the flow. I stopped trying to time his naps and trusted that when he was tired, he would communicate that and if he needed to wake up frequently overnight, it was because he needed my comfort. So long as I provided him with the security and love he needed, he will get there in the end (I will do another post about ‘Circle of Security parenting’ down the track).

Now Bub is almost 12 months and our sleeping ‘schedule’ goes something like this:

Mon – Fri: Bub is at childcare 3 days during the week and with grandparents the other 2. Thanks to childcare and us just letting him nap when he feels the need to, he quite easily falls asleep during the day and has 2-3 naps.

We found that after commencing childcare, he falls asleep really easily – I think it’s because they don’t ‘spoil’ them to get what they want so the babies learn to more independently fall asleep

Sat/Sun: we go about our weekend and when he shows signs of sleepiness, let him do his thing.

Each night (Mon – Sun), we keep to routine of bath then feed to sleep. I only breastfeed at night and I co-sleep with Bub (more on weaning breastfeeds for work in a future post to come). When he cries at night or wakes, I’ll pop him on the boob and we fall back asleep. He wakes up 2-3 times generally including when we have to get up, so it’s not too bad (will wake more when he’s sick or going through a growth stage).

So I guess I’m committing the sins of sleep training by feeding him to sleep, using the boob to comfort him back to sleep overnight and co-sleeping. But I don’t care. Why? Because it works for our family – I get a pretty restful sleep so I can go to work full-time, Bub gets the comfort of mum and to be honest, I love having him next to me knowing that he’s safe and being able to wake up to his smiles. And guess what, Bub is thriving!

I was also comforted by a fellow mum who said she breastfed her baby at night until he was around 16 months – she found that after they got the hang of teething and night terrors etc, they just naturally slept longer throughout the night.

So all in all, I have not had one night of uninterrupted sleep since giving birth (us mums are true superheroes), but know that one day, I will miss what I have now, so it’s all good.

Lessons learned:

  • If you haven’t had a baby yet, ENJOY YOUR SLEEP
  • Don’t expect your baby to sleep through the night – it’s a developmental milestone (if yours does, count your blessings)
  • There are plenty of guides and resources out there (including sleep school). I’m a big believer on the more ‘natural’ method, but that’s what works for me and what I feel comfortable with
  • Which brings me to my last point: do what works for you and your family – don’t feel bad if you find what works for you is ‘frowned’ upon because there’s no such thing as a perfect baby. So long as you, Bub & family are healthy and happy, that’s all that matters
Confinement – yay or nay?

Confinement – yay or nay?

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There’s an Asian tradition of a 30 day confinement period for the mother postpartum. The thinking behind it is to allow the mother to rest and heal following the strenuous labour process as your body ‘opens up’ during labour which leaves you quite vulnerable. Typically, it involves you staying indoors for a full month to rest. You’re meant to eat certain foods to help boost breastmilk production and help you heal. Traditionally, you’re not meant to shower and instead, to bathe in ginger water. In China, there are places you can go to practice confinement or you can hire people to come to your house and cook for you during this time.

For me, I was quite blasé about doing confinement. Given our situation at the time, we would be living with my family after Bub was born so my parents and I discussed it and the agreement was that I would try confinement, but not follow it too strictly.

Rather than go into too much detail, I’ll break down my confinement experience into the ‘Positives’, ‘Not so great’ and as per usual ‘Lessons learned’.

Positives

  • I found that I was exhausted for the first month after giving birth so staying indoors was exactly what I needed to rest and recover
  • A lot of wholesome food was prepared – my favourites was fish soup and pork trotters cooked with black sweet vinegar. Felt so nice to eat well and know that I was nourishing my body
  • Breast milk is mostly water so having a lot of soup definitely helped with being able to feed Bub
  • You’re meant to eat a lot of ginger to help ‘warm’ the body and heal – I love ginger so this was a great bonus
  • Was so thankful to not have to cook myself – I didn’t have the energy nor motivation to make ‘confinement’ meals if it was just me at home

Not so great

  • I kept being told not to touch cold water – after giving birth, your body opens up and is vulnerable to being ‘cold’ so you shouldn’t expose yourself to a lot of ‘cold’ things
  • I was reminded to always dress warm– if I didn’t wear something warm enough, there was the warning that I might get backaches or headaches later on which wouldn’t be fixed until the next confinement period
  • Not going out apart from a doctor’s appointment made me go a little cuckoo towards the end – I started counting down the days until I could be ‘set free’
  • As my body started ramping up breast milk production, I became ravenous and started eating A LOT. It did not help my postpartum body with the excessive eating and sitting at home

Lessons learned

  • I definitely agree with the principle behind confinement: giving your body time to heal and rejuvenate after giving birth. Having lots of nutritious soup and a variety of ‘real’ foods was great for recovery and breast milk production
  • If I ever have another baby, I will do confinement my way: resting at home and having nutritious food, but going out for gentle walks and fresh air when I feel strong enough